I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
