2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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