woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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