So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
