Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
