Plan B is the new Plan A
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
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from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
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Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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