she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
