The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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