Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
