My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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