Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
