Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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