All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
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Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
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I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
my god I love twenty year old dicks
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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