12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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