just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
