you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If I die, sorry about rent.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
