i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
someone owes me an orgasm
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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