Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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