i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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