WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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