if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
