The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
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I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
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HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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