hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
