I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
