I wish you could order shots online.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
