Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
