the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Best friends brother. Beat that.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
