I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
This is my gift to your gina
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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