Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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