Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
