my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
