Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
