put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
