Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
