How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
