Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
