You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Two words: nipple clamps
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