if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
