You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
