I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
