All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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