I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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