it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
