I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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