Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
