Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
