The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
