when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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