You made me cry and you don't even care
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
