A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
