There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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