Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
