3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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