Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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