Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I think my fart just growled at me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
