So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
