shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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