ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
